What The World Needs Now Is Lau Sweet Lau

I honestly, honestly did not expect this! Promise! (movie star tears)

Hindi sa false modesty o pagmamayabang, pero it was an honor just to be nominated… into taking this.

Ok ok. Seriously this time.

My closest friends knew how positively freaked out i was (check previous blog), that i was certainly conditioning myself to be strong in case of a failure. I wouldn’t be freaked out too much had I known I did really well. I mean, granted, I found Biochem, Physio, Legal Med, Commed, and Micro really easy, hehehe, but Surgery, Patho and Pharma were aneurysmal (and the rest, difficult talaga). Surgery, especially, gave me reason enough to think I was going to fail. I sighed as I turned in my paper, and cried as I read up for the next exam (sabi ko sa sarili ko, "this is it, Lau, this is the one that will kill you". I texted my brother Gian and my parents, na ayoko na, sobrang hirap ng surge, bagsak na ako, pwede na ba akong umuwi? Obviously they didn’t allow it, coz I would be here right now if they gave in to my drama queen self. BUt honestly, at that time, I didn’t feel like i was over reacting, i knew i blew it).

I felt so much like the Reality TV contestants… that I’ve come this far, yet, no dice, I’d have to go. I was envisioning Tyra giving me the boot, or Ryan, or Heidi, or Jay Mohr, or to put it in really old terms, Edu Manzano calling me the weakest link… goodbye. I was having nightmares, i mean mukha pa ngang semi-lucid iyon (beta waves) eh… I stopped eating (pero kakain na ako!), and slept for hours, hours, hours on end, until I was too tired of it (me, tired of sleeping? whoa!).

People who have been witness to my intensely doubting, paranoid phase have urged me to have more faith. Hello. I do have faith, I do! Truly, I never ever lost faith in Him, and should I have wavered, I always grabbed my Bible and looked for a reassuring verse (I have since collected lots, actually, which can tide me over until I face another struggle). Daming messages ni God dun for us. It’s true. I know. We should not be afraid. But we’re only human naman diba. I only keep believing that He won’t give me something I can’t bear (and I was more like, but God I know you know I couldn’t bear to fail! I’m not strong enough! I’ll get crushed!)

Anyhow, it wasn’t my faith in the Lord that had problems, but mostly it was waning faith in myself and my abilities… you know what I mean? Kasi si God, God never fails… but sometimes His plans for your life are not the same as what you’d expect, and sometimes are totally different from your own plans for yourself. I was steeling my self for this fact. That God could possibly have a plan for me which included failing the boards the first time, and if this were true, I was going to have to accept it. I was going to have to be strong enough to take it, without doubting Him. Parang si Job. So there, it was still an honest, real possibility, it was still there, looming around, hanging in the air, making up its mind. Well. I guess sometimes it just helps also not to be too overconfident din, not even with a mega-powerful backer up there (a friend has told me, "ang isang ama, hindi lahat ng anak pinagbibigyan kaagad-agad…" which made a lot of sense to me, coz here on earth as I have 4 siblings I have to make concessions to sometimes…), so that you’ll be in for a big, big, big and mega-happy surprise. God will surprise you when you least expect it. So here, I’m really glowing and happy. Thank you Lord, thank you for your surprise, i really like it

Yesterday up until last night, the rumor mill has buzzed that the board exam results would be out already… as I had no internet access, I instructed my most trusted friends to inform me of whatever result there would be, that good or bad, I’ll "take it like a man" (ilang beses ko bang sinabi to in the past few days?)… as part of my conditioning to accept His will, in case His will included a second trip to MLQU for the boards. Anyhow, by 10 PM I realized I was tired, and I was going to sleep. Imagine the heartache I received when I woke up without a single congratulatory text! Right. I said. This was it. People were happy all over the place, and they weren’t telling me anything as they were afraid to hurt my feelings. Right. And I cried. And slept again. Then I woke up. Then slept again. It came to a point where I told myself, Lau, you can’t sleep forever, you should at least wake up and make yourself beautiful kahet bagsak ka. So I hauled my pitiful ass up from the bed then I cried again. And wore black. And then my dad called from AMA, telling me that the results would come out later this evening pa, so I felt relieved and kinda stupid actually, until I noticed the return of the wrenching, unbearable pain of uncertainty, churning at my stomach, a huge visceral weight steady over my solar plexus, the whole hyperventilating, tachycardic, fluctuating-brain-waves experience. It was so bad. The suspense. I’ll never want to go through that again!

So I went about my usual business, got enshrouded in denial (who is a very good best friend to have in uncertain times), helped in the kitchen. Parked my freaking paranoid human body in front of the couch to watch the telly. As usual. Which comforted me, actually. Love my TV. Bayani Agbayani won the million peso jackpot sa Game KNB, after 5 days of trying (this may seem like mondo tangential, but hear me out, I do have a point). Then I received a message from God. This is so funny ha, but I feel that it was a direct message for me, kumbaga, bang! tinamaan ako! direct hit! sapul! (as God knew this was something I watched everyday, seriously, religiously, every single bloody day, probably naisip nya ito yung best medium to reach this couch potato daughter of His). Kris Aquino told Yani, who is currently without projects at ABSCBN, on his eventual win, "God is very very good, you just have to trust in Him as He knows the perfect timing, and He always has our best interests at heart." Naiyak ako dun promise. God speaking to me through Kris Aquino on the TV. Seryoso. It was funny, touching, and kinda sad. Huhuhu.

So more steeling ensued. To take my mind off the churning ordeal, I watched Harry Potter 5, finally, then High School musical (oh and Lakehouse pala the other day, I love Quiapo DVDs thanks kay Kuya Mandy whose stall is right next to MLQU). And then at around 8 PM, it came…

The first Congrats text (from my good friend and groupmate for many years, Leya Evangelista, MD). Then the next (Ryan Tan, my former JI). Then the next (Phoebe Cabaluna, my bestfriend hon). Then the next (my pare Ryan Mercadal). SO on and so forth. The rest, as they say, is history, and can be downloaded at inq7.net or the prc website…

So thank you thank you thank you Lord, for absolutely everything you’ve done for me, for never letting me down. It came as a sweet sweet surprise. I love you dear God. Thank you thank you thank you.

Thank you to my lucky charms: my lucky shirt, from Oblique (fabrique au canada) which I wore during the Pisay entrance exam (passed), UPCAT (made it to Diliman Bio didn’t i?), NMAT (got a 99) and for the 4 days of boards (pasado!)!!! (hoy Vice nilabahan talaga yun ng Mama ko! hehehe) Gumagana ka pa naman eh, di mo pa ako binibigo, thank you. Hehe. I almost thought I would burn you down na. Ahehehe. Off to the baul you go again, pahinga ka. Thank you Red Ribbon bakeshop lucky empanadas! Hehehe. To Magnolia Chocolait (also my usual food for examinations like this, lucky ka ren ata), R&C cookies, Oishi Chocoflakes for nourishing me during the 4 days of madness. To my lucky homeviewer text mate. To Sta Clara, Sta Rita, St Francis, St Jude, Poong Nazareno, Mama Mary and all the sanits who interceded, or appeared once or twice in my cellphone as a chain text, thanks.

And to the same people I thanked in the previous blog, most especially to my managers (my parents and Manang Zen), my sibs, my family, mga kasama sa industriya, mga friends, acquaintances, fans, inspirations. Sa lahat ng bumubuo ng PRC. To MCG Derm Clinic my sort of derma dahil ang ganda talaga ng skin ko ngayon. To all those who have always believed in me (and I never understood why!) and never lost faith in me (even when I was losing faith in myself!). To all who prayed for me, thank you. And to all who congratulated me, thank you din (btw sira ang cell phone ko eh and wala na rin namang load anyway due to the horrid chain texts kaya hindi ako maka-reply to any of you). To all those I love and love me. To my years in PSHS and UPDILBIO for training me and teaching me how to cram my butt off!

And to the Lavinias, Dao Ming Fongs, Claras, Claudia Buenavistas, Skeletors, Master Shredders, Max Alvarados, Paquito Diazes, Cherie Gils, Gladys Reyeses, etc etc of my life, sa mga kontrabida, now I thank you for giving me a hard time, for pushing me to my limits, for breaking my heart and spirit, for calling me names when I don’t think i deserved it, for prematurely judging me and my friends without basis, for giving me and my friends very very hard and trying times, for making me hate my 2005 birthday, for being just so unreasonable, for snubbing me, for walking all over me, for not giving me a chance, for letting go too quickly, for forgetting all about me, for never texting back, for stabbing me in the back, for taking what is mine, for taking what i really wanted and deserved, for ganging up on me, for bullying me, for giving me false hopes, for hurting my feelings, for making promises you did not plan to keep, for always putting me on the spot (walanghya ka), for making me cry, for pushing me aside, for rolling your eyes, for making irap, for not making me pansin, for leaving me behind, for dragging me to within an inch of sanity, morality and survival, for making my life hell with you, for not loving me back… Nuuuy. Kilala ninyong lahat kung sino kayo. I thank you for making a great part of me stronger and for allowing me to realize that I can survive anything, for being part of my inspiration to do better, for making me strive just to prove you wrong, and I thank you because now i can say: ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. Sabi nga nila, hindi nagiging bida ang bida kung walang kontrabida. Kaya salamat. God bless you.

And again, thank you thank you thank you, Lord. You are the most Holy, the most powerful, the most loving and kind. With you everything is possible, and nothing is impossible. Thank you so much, the best ka talaga.

Ayan Lord lovelife na lang. Hehehe. Joke lang po.

Congrats sa lahat ng pumasa, we deserve this, atin ito! J UPDILBIO family congrats J J

Peace be with you all. Mwah ever.

lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau lau

To my very good friends who did not make it (although I’m not sure you will ever get to read this), I know we’ve talked about this, about saying okay lang yan when it fact it never would be, I will just reiterate a few things (from previous blog and this one):

"God is very very good, you just have to trust in Him as He knows the perfect timing, and He always has our best interests at heart."

"This is only a one time test, and not making it this august does not mean you won’t be a good doctor. i know of 2nd takers who are just some of the best doctors i know."

"Kasi si God, God never fails… but sometimes His plans for your life are not the same as what you’d expect, and sometimes are totally different from your own plans for yourself. I was steeling my self for this fact. That God could possibly have a plan for me which included failing the boards the first time, and if this were true, I was going to have to accept it. I was going to have to be strong enough to take it, without doubting Him."

He has plans, plans for you and me, plans we’d never understand right now, but it will all fall into place eventually… I’m sure you have worked as hard as me, I’m sure you have the same trust and faith in Him as me, I’m sure He loves you as much as He loves me, but He has a different plan for you, that is best for you. He answers our prayers in many different ways. I know it sounds crazy, but this, how He answered each of us, I mean, is His will. And we all have to accept it graciously. You may feel defeated now but God will give you a chance to rise up from this, as stronger, better, more beautiful, more complete persons. Smile, chin up, and let go. Remember that He loves you, a lot of people love you, and that I love you (if it’s any consolation, since wala naman akong gagawin for the next many many months, as — oh gosh this is gonna be trite — as I search for myself and my meaning in life… I can study with you. Still! I know could use the re-refresher. :-)) Thank you for everything, the Lord is just and kind will give you the glory you deserve. Go Feb!

Amen! Amen! Amen!

This entry was posted on Friday, August 18th, 2006 at 1:25 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.