i wrote this nung (see date), nauna pa ito naisulat kesa sa press release blog ko. will blog another one shortly. masaya na ako ngayon, may poot pa ako jan eh…
061205
Today let’s sing a TLC classic… Dear lie, You suck You said you could fix anything Instead I’m fucked You made things even worse for me If I had balls I’d tell you get away from me Guess I’m not smart I let you unnerve me I let you control me Afraid the truth would hurt me When it’s you that hurts me more… Get outta my mouth Get outta my head Get outta my mind Stop puttin’ words in my head Get outta my mouth You’re nothing but trouble Get outta my life Get out of me Out of me (out of me) Out of me Out of me lie Lie lie lie lie… Dear lie You’re dumb You think you’ve got the best of me You think you won Misread my vulnerability I’ve got your walls Now get the hell away from me I’ve learned your art Won’t let you unnerve me Won’t let you control me The truth will only free me And your lies won’t hurt no No more… Lie lie… I’ve got Your walls Now get the hell away from me I learned your art Won’t let you unnerve me Wont’ let you control me The truth will only free me And your lies won’t hurt no No more… Lie lie… Dear lie… Lie Lie Lie Lie… Lie Lie… Dear lie
I am now online downloading lots of media converters (again to satisfy my latest compulsion to have these things… super lang ako naaddict kakarip ng CDs and I need converters to make my files compatible with my laptop, cellphone, etc), kaya naisip ko why not, blog na lang din while im at it. Right now, I am rotating as an intern in Ophthalmology; amazingly, I am learning a lot. You can look at it many ways: that I am fascinated with Ophtha, that I didn’t learn anything from Ophtha previously kaya dami ko natututunan ngayon, and lastly, that the way the program is handled right now is superb. You be the judge.J anyway, 2 days to go before we leave the rotation and start with Otorhinolaryngology. At that point I leave the comfort of my home and live in the quarters; my new bossings to be are such sticklers for punctuality that my usual 10-15 minutes tardiness will not get me anywhere near the good side, kaya ayun, I thus vow na maninirahan na ako sa quarters pag ENT na. Promise.
On the personal front, wala paren akong balak sabihin mashado. The way things have been going are still the way things have been going. I have been enveloped by this forcefield of tremendous self-empowerment and esteem, that I started not to care, like, in the hah! way. Kaya lang circumstances again have worked against me. Nakakapikon na ha, as in! The Destiny Mapper must give me a break!!! Please lang. Give me the chance naman to move on.
Kaya since I am speechless, secondary to loathing, or disgust, or plain honest to goodness heartbreak, I will just share with you an essay I made way back when I was still consumed by thoughts of my immediate past fake prince, si Cakeboy (not this current one). Actually, I wrote this at one point when I was about to get over Cakeboy. Towards the end, I will have a little rant pa about this other guy I called MyDrug, isa ring paasa swine (nagpaloko na naman ako). Infernes, Cakeboy never led me on, iba talaga si My Drug. Ayun. If this new one (Panget prince) has gotten me dedicating songs on my blog, the other one I devoted whole blog essays to. Kaya let’s read on. Ten things to follow…
Disclaimer: this was written by me more than a year ago, and does not in any way reflect my feelings for now. Still empowered!
The awful thing about falling in love with someone you know so well is the possibility that you will more or less think the same way, function the same way. so the mind games become more ruthless. brutal and ruthless. he hurts you (you would like to think you know him enough to know that the things he does are to rile you on purpose), and of course you retaliate. and retaliate bad! Kasi you know the right buttons to push, the buttons that will sting the worst. Just like he does! So you both push all the right buttons, and end up hurting each other and yourselves. it’s just kind of sad that the things you’ll do that might possibly hurt him might probably be hurting you more. Maybe vice versa. you don’t wanna see him sad, it pains you when he smiles in that uncertain, kinda sad, whiny way. but you can’t see yourself not getting even. vengeance is yours.
then you will be amazed. That perhaps really, you have just been deluding yourself, as people who are fond of mind games (women in general?) are prone to do. What makes you think that he is not the very astute person you know him to be, really perceptive, and as you probably practically wear your heart on your sleeve (obvious ka to him, anyway, kasi nga you’re such good friends… unless feeling lang ren sha) pa naman? You realize that your lives are much too intertwined in this very complex system. a slight tilt in the balance of things will destroy the very nature of your relationship with the rest of the said complex system (i possibly am not making sense to the rest of the world; but i bet if the people concerned reads this -like hell they will- they’ll get it!). a lot of things will fall apart just for the benefit of these two possibly disjoint pieces (two hearts.. your hearts, haha!) to fall into place. Kaya you just feel kind of resigned.
and truth is, you could not even completely admit to yourself that you’re falling. it’s like, out of the question. you’ve come to appreciate the friendship greatly. he’s a good friend. You’re scared of having to lose that. that’s why. you keep on telling people you haven’t given much thought to whatever feelings you may already be having - yah denial and vengeance come in one sexy package such as yourself - but the thing is, he consumes you. Your thoughts, your mind. you spend too much time thinking of him. of your past and how you came to be friends, and this your present, formerly good friends in a vicious battle of wits, and of your possible future.
we can’t play this game anymore, but can we still be friends?
at the very least if you don’t get him you hope to keep the friendship. You know in your heart you’ll make it there, right? With relationship or not, at least with the friendship always, forever intact.
he’s a good guy. Pero we will never be anything more than friends.
This is an essay I wrote during the time I was head over heels with somebody let us just call cakeboy, during a time that I gave myself the well-deserved congratulations for having passed the "i don’t give a rat’s ass about you" phase regarding then-immediate-past-crush, My Drug. December na nun, and it took me soo many months of aversion therapy and rehab to get over the drug addiction. wheee! sure, we still saw each other then, and i i still received his surreptitious stares (haha mo!). and though i had this li’l urge in me to grab the nearest 4×4 and knock his head off, i remained completely indifferent to him. Me bago na’ng kinaobsessan eh. i didn’t care if he didn’t like me anymore, or that i’ll never be his (like hell i will! like i’ll even allow that!)… but i just had to get even someday! he’ll need his justice pie! i’ll feed it to him yep. just for a bit of … no not a bit, i won’t content myself with just a bit!… just for him to bloody regret having lost the great opportunity to have wonderful beautiful me… that is my only wish for him. the only thing i want from him is that regret. yes. Pero now, in retrospect, do I also want regret from cakeboy? Baka.
And there, that is one look into the mind of funny li’l me.
Ten things time:
1. Favorite scent of all time: vanilla. Addict ako sa amoy ng vanilla. I have vanilla shampoo, vanilla lotion, pabango, body wash, etc. I like its smell on my hair. but I also like lavender, and most other fruity scents. Im addicted to several Victoria’s secret scents, such as Pretty In Pink, Vanilla Lace (siempre), Warm Embrace, Strawberries and Cream, , Passionate Kisses (tama ba un? Basta the purple one)… Haay… for shampoo and conditioner naman, lately it’s been the Suave line I’ve compulsively collected and tried. My favoritest yet would still be the vanilla, but the strawberry, lavender, and apple would be runners-up. Tsaka i also like the Palmolive Naturals with silk protein and honey balm, sobrang bango, sobra! For pabango, johnson’s baby cologne still is the best: cheap but you always smell good. The baby collection thingie (yung may babies sa harap na graphics) yung gusto ko now, specifically the pink and the green. Haaay. There’s this one J&J scent I love, yung Fresh Blossoms, the one that came with the pale orange/peach bottle. That was my favorite J&J smell of all time!!! It’s gone now, sobra akong sad, pinahanap ko pa yun as a Christmas gift request sa aking Kris Kringle parent once. Haaay. I have one little bottle of that left now. Na hindi ko ginagamit, inaamoy lang every now and then. Adik adik. If there’s anyone connected with the J&J people, the people (the people daw o!) are clamoring for the return of Fresh Blossoms!
2. The best smell pa ren, I would think, is the amoy bagong ligo, amoy soap with a hint of baby powder smell. Yes I smell people. Di ko sinasadya, naaamoy maybe I havko lang sila. Maybe I have big nostrils or a slightly heightened olfactory sense. Parang witch. Sana in the Charmed, or even TheCraft way. Wag naman Hansel and Gretel way.
3. i used to watch a lot of television. it’s really bad, how addicted and dependent i was (probably am, if only I could), to TV, maybe the same way I was (again, probably am, if only I could) addicted i am to my PC. These things were alternately my bestfriends and worst enemies, as with these, i got to have nothing done, but with these, i got to have so much fun. I must have wasted a lot of my time, maybe a good third of my life, just watching TV and logging on to my PC. I wasn’t doogie howser-disciplined, that I logged only every evening. I logged for hours and hours and hours (but I digress). i mean, i keep on complaining that i don’t get enough sleep, but i imagine that if i skimmed off a bit from the TV viewing/PC logging schedule, i would most probably be content and less whiny. And I probably would have gotten better grades, and better skin, and have had enough time to really really fall in love. but then, blah grades, blah skin, blah lovelife aside, I want my TV, I want my PC!!!
4. I love Buffy: the vampire slayer. if ever i were to be an actress, i’d love to be cast in that show, or similar (it has since folded up, ayt? Too bad for the aspiring actress me). It’s very well-written, well-conceptualized, it’s funny… and Sarah Michelle Gellar is probably my ultimate idol. I wanna be like her (maging sexy and cute at the same time, kahit maliit, and have a tall hunky husband. Freddie Prinze is my excrush! Sobra. Hello to Lourdes SI Erna Basuel and others who loved Freddie as much as I did). She kicks ass! She’s like a precedent to all those kick-ass laydees of today, there’s Jessica Alba and Jen Garner, and LadyCroft, siempre the beautiful Ms. Jolie. Idol ko silang lahat, pero I love Buffy best kasi she’s quirky, kinda offbeat, and little. Very funny, smart-alecky too.
5. I adore the show Friends. I am addicted to reruns on cable, and the point is, I’ve probably watched the whole show na e. Next step: collecting da dibidisdibidis of the series (throw in Buffy and SATC siguro, must haves, especially now that the eps reached a finite, grasp-able number… by going kaput from the TV). One painful dibidi at a tym. Nyek. As if na-f-frequent ko ang mga haunts like Quiapo, et al. Ive never even been to Quiapo. Whataloser.
6. I love apple juice sobra! My most favorite juice of all the juices ever invented. I hardly have anything else in tetra bricks na hindi apple. Which is why Apple C2 is my favorite. I hate mango juice, well not naman hate, pero I don’t enjoy it a third as much as apple juice (I like mango shake, though). Pero mangoes are my favorite fruit otherwise. Grabe no, quirk. I hate grape juice sobra, hate it most of all. At ito, hate talaga. EEEyuch. Pero umiinom ako ng wine. And I love grapes, the fruit ha. Grabe no, quirk. I mentioned this to my mom once. Tas nag-grocery sha, and for some reason, her wirings got all mixed up, “ah eto, grape juice, Lauie likes this…” eh baliktad naman. Talk about confusion! She was too happy to tell me she got grape juice, I was too “nyeheekk kadiri what’s that??!”At least she remembered I mentioned something about juice. Thanks mommy love you.
7. Let’s start talking about movies. Finally. Perhaps I shall again drone on and on about the movies that I’ve seen, that I loved… but then, well, you should know by now how easily I get fond of things (But this doesn’t mean there isn’t a genuine, deep-seated affection for these things). I very willingly append my name and a signed recommendation to each of the things I have said I loved, to the films and music that I would maybe quote in this blog sometime in the future, if I haven’t already. Sometimes when I love certain things way too much i could no longer heap superlatives on them (i run out). My favorite movie of all time is a Korean subtitled flick, called My Sassy Girl! It’s a very charming, endearing, heartwarming, rib-tickling… give me all the positive superlatives, the movie has left me bereft of words…
8. I weep and bawl easily, I mean, it doesn’t take a lot to make me cry (last time I cried? Windstruck. Still on the Korean genre, yes. And it is not a My Sassy Girl prequel. Hello?! Thanks Phoebe). I won kaya the Crybaby award in college.J But My Girl (the one with Mac Culkin) has always made me cry, I mean, always! Play it on DVD now, I probably still will make hagulgol. It was the first ever film wherein I cried unabashedly. I mean, prior to that, I cried at The Land Before Time, but I did it surreptitiously (Of course when you’re young, you’d be ashamed to admit ever crying over a cartoon, di ba? I was young din when My Girl was shown, pero old enough siguro to admit to crying over a film) Anyway, after My Girl, I decided it was OK to cry over a bad bad (mean-bad, not stupid-bad) movie. Anyway just recently I read the book version of the film… then I wept like hell. Oh My God. Crying over a bad, bad, bad, evil, evil, evil meanie meanie book. BTw, where in the world are Thomas Jay and Vada Sultenfuss now?
9. I looove romantic movies, romantic comedies in particular (a girl spellbound by love just has to be a romantic movie addict): My Bestfriend’s Wedding, and most other julia flicks (I kinda envision myself possibly being a cold-feet stricken runaway bride… and probably someday, some best friend will be responsible for breaking my heart once more – it is a curse!), When Harry Met Sally, and most other Meg Ryan flicks (ditto to Meggie), While You Were Sleeping, and most other Sandra Bullock flicks, as well (and ditto once more to Sandra). I envision a life suited for a romantic comedy. A blockbuster, box office one at that. Yung may paluan, tawanan, iyakan, and a musical extravaganza by the beach while I’m fanning the barbecue in a tie-dyed sarong. (walang bold ha kase wholesome and conservative ako… pero pwede may naughty scenes starring my Boy Bastos and Girl Bastos friends, sila lang ha!) Hehe. My movie would come in subtitles, as I have multi-racial friends. Maybe someday Jerry Yan would need to understand me too. Hehe. That’s all muna now. And I haven’t even sang my praises for Titanic pa! Too tired na. Tsaka 10 na eh, eh may gusto akong parting shot…
10. Mukha akong bata. I look young and I’m proud of it. And come to think of it, I really am young. Eh ikaw?
Greetings: wala muna. Next time.
thank you po! 