Knew the signs wasn’t right I was stupid, for a while Swept away, by you And now I feel like a fool So confused My heart’s bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, so far I never had your heart Out of reach, couldn’t see We were never met to be
Catch myself, from despair I could drown if I stay here Keeping busy, everyday I know I will be ok But I’m So confused My heart’s bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, so far I never had your heart Out of reach, couldn’t see We were never met to be
So much hurt, so much pain Takes a while to regain What is lost inside And I hope that in time You’ll be out of my mind I’ll be over you And now I’m So confused My heart’s bruised Was I ever loved by you? Out of reach, so far I never had your heart Out of reach, couldn’t see We were never met to be Out of reach, so far, You never gave your heart In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there for me
Ayun. Hello again, as promised, a more updated blog. Out of Reach is a song that sooo sums up this thing (again,or the lack thereof) with this person I have taken to calling my charming panget prince.
I can’t get you out of my dreams now I know that you’re the dangerous kind… and I curse you for being so sweet and so kind. YUN! It’s all over. And I hope I get to have better resolve on this one compared to the many times I’ve said “it’s over!”, better resolve than kris aquino trying to forget joey marquez. Better. The problem nga lang with him/me is that everytime I feel I have this stronger resolve, circumstances arise and he just does stuff that, well, makes me melt. All over again. Sabi nga ni Irene, “let’s go let’s go, try harder!” Salamat kapatid sa suporta. Kaya lang, pano kung gusto mo, sha na talaga? Different story.
It’s just interesting how I am currently rotating as an intern in Anesthesia, and taking away the pain is my job, at the same time I am experiencing this heart-wrenching pain on the love front. It’s just never gonna happen Lauie. It’s never gonna happen. Motto nga ng JI group ko (all of you, miss ko!), LET’S GO LET’S GO. Let go. Tama na delusion. He is not the prince who will sweep you off your feet. Hindi pa sha yun. Not your loss.
Anyway. Na-realize ko lang that sometimes even the coolest people, prettiest, smartest, sexiest, galing people have not found their princes yet. Perhaps I am one of those way cool few who just seem to be unlucky in love. Totoo kaya? 25 years of my life (and still trying to get up that great big hill?) and all I have to show for, romantically speaking, and in “ex-“ terms, is a good friend with whom more than 7 years ago I had a 5 month MU (na alam namen both). Pero okay lang talaga, we’re both over each other, he’s happy na with his girlfriend (na sobrang like ko), and as for me, I get my kiligs here and there from people who make pa-cute and I make pa-cute to back. Okay lang talaga, mas maganda nga yung ganito, for someone like me who is so indecisive at least, kasi I’m not pinned down by anyone, tsaka exciting pa (ows? Sweet lemoning). Kaya lang mashado na akong matagal sa stage na ito. Pwede ba?
Am I too idealistic and mapili? Kung sino mahal mo, shang ayaw sa yo (smokey mountain, “kahit habang buhay”, from the 2nd album; my second banggit of smokey mountain in the entire duration of this blog)… ang ayaw mo, lapit ng lapit (color it red, “pagguhit ng bilog”, from the album full circle and the pinoy musical “ang paulit-ulit ng pagguhit ng bilog”). What am I doing wrong? Tas eto pa, I have this thing, when guys have earned a niche in my friendship circle, they tend to never get elevated in status. Sobrang rare case lang otherwise. "we’ll always, always, always be friends. but nothing more than that, nothing less, nothing else…". Sometimes kasi they’re just not my type, teka, most of the time pala. And sometimes, though, given that rare occasion, i realize too late that i like them, and when i happen to like them already, they’ve unknowingly elevated me to that "friendship circle" themselves. i’ll be nothing more than a sister, a best bud, a pal to them. My destiny, my curse? Okay lang no. Tsaka di ako yung type na nagtatalo ng kaibigan. Kung kayo, eventually, kayo, kung hindi, di hinde, ano ba… but it’s always great to have a friend. Di ba? When Harry Met Sally. A Lot Like Love.
More Ten Things About Me:
1) i am friendly, very friendly, in fact. saccharine. effervescent. charming and sweet and perky can be synonyms for Lau. Di ba? Correct!J Tapos Kris Aquino is my idol (in some respects), I envy her jobs. To be chismosa, to host, be an artista and feed your inner hedonistic, histrionic side, and get paid richly for it? Haynaku, Kris gets paid, and I do these for free! Kaya, wow. Pero truth is, like a lot of actors/actresses really are, I am shy. I’m very shy, in fact. Walang confidence. Sometimes I need a shot of tequila or two to help me get my act together and my nerves unfrayed. Masyado akong nerbyosa, panicky at kabado when faced with something new, with uncharted territory. The high that comes after I’ve survived it successfully is just sooo worth the nerves siguro, kaya I never stop. “the brave are the first to die, the coward live in fear forever”, sabi ng isa sa mga dating matalik kong kaibigan. As I always say, daanin mo sa acting, kunyare, act as if you’re the greatest in the world, act as if hindi ka nahihiya, act as if you know what you’re saying, as if you know what you’re doing. Sometimes I end up convincing even myself, but in the end, it’s all acting.
2) I already mentioned that i am a twentysomething, but i tend to look younger. i act younger, feel younger, think like a kid, am totally childlike, and i like it this way. but at the same time i feel insecure, like, say a Michael Jackson whose Neverland security blanket is threatened to be breached. i’m scared of growing up. My dad, my mom, my sibs, they all tell me to grow up. But they never stop being there for me and taking care of me, kaya I always expect this near-princesa treatment siguro. Haha, am I psychoanalyzing myself na ba??? (preparing for my psych rotation) if I am to grow up, I have to be allowed to spread my wings, and just, grow up. And perhaps I should find that knight in shining armor to take care of me, just in case. Ahehehe.
3) i like Music. I like singing. It’s in my naycha. Been a singer since forever, was part of a band once, and then a choir din once. I’m kind of like a total performer, in that I also dance, act, host, and sometimes direct. I dunno, I’ve always been fascinated by performing. Histrionic kasi. Teka wait, digression. I was gonna talk sana about music. I just finished kasi watching Sister Act 2 on DVD, kaya I wanted to talk about music… I sooo adore Lauryn Hill, who is incidentally almost my katukayo; kunsabagay, one time I met Ralion Alonso, and he kept on calling me Lauryn, instead of Laur-en. Oh well. I digress again. Pero since marami akong sasabihin about music, note to self, next topic na lang yun for ten things…J Tsaka movies… must have a ten things on movies… I KEEP ON DIGRESSING!! Stop it Lau.
4) My favorite food nga is pizza, pasta, steak, ice cream, french fries (potatoes in general). I also like Jap food. And Eat All You Can places. Sa totoo lang, malakas talaga akong kumain, rather, masarap ako kumain, I can out-eat the most gluttonous of the lot. Pero mabagal ako kumain. Kaya lang, siemps, there’s always the question of budget, and diet.J I’m very lampa, I don’t think my bone structure can handle any more meat than what I have on me right now (I’m my heaviest yet, like, heaviest in my whole life siguro, now), kaya I have to diet pa more. Anyway, I’m pretty much adventurous with food, I’ll try everything. But once you feed me something that would make me barf, I’ll be turned off forever, and will probably never touch the stuff again.
5) I like watching basketball and cheering for my favorite teams or players. I used to have this huge thing for basketball players, and tall guys in general (am I Kris Aquino’s soul sister or what?); now mostly, wala na akong crush na basketball player (Olsen Racela’s TB campaign really cracked me up though, super crush ko yun dati…Atenista na, bball player pa), but tall guys talaga always make me do a double take. Ahehehe. My favorite PBA teams were San Miguel and Ginebra. Lately though, I haven’t been watching a lot of basketball. Kaya fellow PBA fans mang-aya naman kayo, nood tayo game!
6) I am a very quirky girl. (other words from the Microsoft Word built-in thesaurus: idiosyncratic original individual unusual peculiar odd strange eccentric unpredictable – might these be the words to describe me? You be the judge) Promise. And proud, kase I enjoy, nah, I revel in my being “a unique” (term first encountered sa Autumn In New York, as opposed to just saying, I’m unique, say I’m a unique). I’d rather be like this, than be boring and predictable. You know what I mean? I live my life. Pero di naman ako sobrang non-conformist, nasa lugar pa naman. Anyway, my grandest quirk (for I… I am the princess of quirks!) is: collecting all sorts of things!!! I am too much a pack-rat. I once had a napkin collection, but i used them all up. i still keep my collection of stationery, as well as the collection of posters, pin-ups, nice quotations… neuroses neuroses. now i collect… hmmm, what do i collect?… books by my favorite authors, post-its, pictures of myself and the people I love (this is where my 6600 comes in handy), pictures of myself posing with celebrities – I’ve got several!, stuff of meteor garden, jackets (still collecting), pillows (and puffalumps once upon a time),… once I find something really interesting and cute, I compulsively want to have several pieces of the same item. I’m very strange. And I collect friends. Does one collect friends?? I don’t know. But I have a lot of friends, and I try my best to keep them. I mean, maintain long lasting and meaningful relationships with them. That’s what I do best.
7) I fancy myself a swimmer, although admittedly, i just can swim, maybe not very well, but i’m not gonna drown that easily. And enough with the hirits on buoyancy! Grr. Pero totoo. And lately there’s my discovery of the wonders of snorkeling and other water adventures, thanks to our Puerto Galera sojourn, that urges me to re-enroll in swimming lessons. Para naman may sport na ako that I am good at. i am a very non-sporty person, but i like being the spectator and cheering (if cheerleading were a sport, that’d be my sport). i think my hidden sporty talent lies in skating. i can skate too, but then, my skills and talents are underdeveloped. At marunong din ako mag-hula hoop, sport na ba yun? Hehe. I do that sporadically now; bought myself a pink one.
Pink is not my favorite color, despite evidence to the contrary, like my famous power headband (LIVE STRONG?! LIVE STRONGER!!). but I like it a lot. Extremely na nga, maybe to the point of unseating the reigning BLUE (baby blue, powder blue, aqua blue, name it, like ko ang blue), my real favorite color. I realized kasi na bagay sa aken ang pink, gives me this glow. I dunno. Cguro pink goes with my aura. If those things really exist, auras and everything. Of all my SI outfits, I look best in the family of pinks to reds. I also like black, white, khaki. My most hated color is orange. Kasi it doesn’t look good on me. But I don’t mind the color, it’s fun; I had a crush once who always wore orange and it didn’t bother me a bit, I still liked watching him.
9) I like going places, just having a plain and simple happy happy joyride! Kahet walang pupuntahan, basta drive lang. It’s not the destination, it’s the ride, it’s the journey. Riding around with my friends gives me a big boost. i adore them. i love hanging out with them. they are the sunbeams in my otherwise cloudy existence…
10) Which is a weird metaphor to use, kase it’s a known fact that Lauielauie likes the rain. Yup, yup, i do! Ol’ sunshiny me (raingirl was once a pseudonym and an email address). I love rainy days. I love class suspensions and waking up early in the morning to find out I don’t have to leave, waking up to have to just snuggle back into the warmth of my sheets, waking up to the playful banter with my sibs who don’t have to go to school either. Such is the life. And aren’t rainy days romantic? I can name so many romantic movies that employed rain as a device. I can even think of some romantic anecdotes I’ve had in my life that involved the rain too [Only being in med school changed the whole happy rainy stuff. I lived for a year and 5 months at an apartment in Sta Mesa, where every rainstorm can recreate The Great Flood of Noah’s time. Floods are awful in that part of Aurora, and not to mention the emergence of lots of sicky pedia patients after the rainy season has started. All in all, though, I still love the rain].
Rain, pain… seems our themes are going the rhymy way. Well, kamusta na ba ako? kamusta na? I’m currently rotating as an intern in Anesthesia, wala lang, it’s my elective week (2 weeks) kase, and my choices were anes, radio, patho, neurosurgery. siempre, nagustuhan ko, anes. wala lang. “taking the pain away…”. at least for the moment. I hope the title didn’t delude anybody into thinking I was gonna lecture about sensory/neuromuscular blockades or anything. I haven’t read enough of Morgan to be able to lecture quite effectively (give me a few more hours though; I crack open my book every chance I get. Minsan lang ako magiging Anes intern e), pero I’ve done a successful SAB, under the guidance of my great mentor. Block in 4 minutes! Kung ganun lang din kadali to take away the pain im feeling.
and since we’re in the topic of pain, wala na kame ni <expletive deleted, The One Who Shall Not Be Named, Prince of Darkness>. in a matter of speaking. I’m still really hurting, the irony noh! na i’m in anesthesia and i’m in so much pain??? i hope i do stick to this decision. No more na him!!! Puro na lang pain. ang hirap kasi nitong ganitong naghihintay ka sa wala. the problem with me kasi is that everytime i seem to be making progress trying to forget (like i successfully did last year), he comes back, does something again that would make me melt. Nasabi ko na pala yan. Pero ang hirap talaga. ang tanga2 ko minsan. Lord help me focus and stop thinking about things that are not meant to be. O kaya, at least help me look for someone else to obsess over (my charming prinsipe was responsible for my getting over my immediate past crush na cakeboy… yun naman e talagang not meant to be kasi).
What I have been doing:
1. Duty with Anes. I’ve tried my hand at lumbar puncture and intubation. La lang, okay dun sa isa, failure pa ren sa isa. Di bale. Many more days to go…
2. The usual senior intern life. Pasok, suot ng pajamas este scrubs pala ang tawag dun, assist sa OR, labas pag me morphine rounds, labas pag me tawag ulet for the Anesthesia SI, ayun. Kulang pa nga ng typical SI activities, like census and chart rounds and everything. But im not complaining.
3. Got sick with asthma and had to be absent; missed a duty night with many potential learning opportunities, watched after my 6 year old kalbo brother during his swimming lessons in between hacking and wheezing, missed my lunch date with Vice (sorrreeeee!!!! One million times!). This sucks! Sa panahon ngayon, BAWAL TALAGA MAGKASAKIT!! In my whole JI life, I only got sick in medicine (absent 3? 4 days?), ob (never got absent though, pahirapan na lang, nagpapaneb sa pulmo sa gabi pag duty…). Anyway, I only have a couple of more days with Anesthesia, then I’m off to psych na, then Neuro. Haay. Then electives are over. Kay bilis. One month down, 11 to go.
What I will be doing for the rest of my life for at least a year, also known as my schedule for 2005-06. and the usual side kwento…
may: electives. benign. Sana.
june: ophtha x 1 week, ent x 1 week. potentially challenging. meaning pwede maging benign, pwede rin toxic. case to case basis. i was benign during JI-ship, like 2 patients lang ata per. i didn’t even have to do trache care (ayy, once lang pala, and i was already in surgery then!)
july: surgery. potentially challenging. i was a toxic surgery JI, kasi laging "single-duty" drama ko. i was always with jay (hi jay!), and either he was strapped bedside with a GU patient, leaving me as the JI for everyone else, or he was at the CCU (why can’t i be ccu!?! ha? ha?), or during ortho, he was confined himself. out of the 5 ortho patients we had during the ENTIRE rotation, i admitted 4. 4/5 came during MY duty, MY single duty. so, im bitter. anyway, but i don’t hate jay, i love jay (you know i love you..), there is no way i could have survived surgery, especially "from days" at amang rodriguez, marikina, without him (i loved the amang rodriguez rotation, though, jay hated it. Ewan ko lang kung bakit).
august: surgery. potentially challenging.
september: ob. potentially challenging. well i used to find ob fascinating until JIship happened, specifically my outside rotation (not a lot of fun).
october: ob. potentially challenging. HBD me. Good luck.
november: comm med. benign. and pointless, most of the time. but happy, coz could study for medicine :), and since i can go to bora and baguio for christmas, yay! And I will go hiking with Leo if he accepts the rain check, wink wink.
december: comm med.
january: medicine. the real thing!:D toxic. toxic ako nung med JI ako, until i left for east ave, and when i returned, all the toxicity evaporated. benign na ako!
february: medicine. the real thing!:D toxic.
march: pedia.
april: pedia.
Greetings:
Gusto ko lang i-greet lahat ng taong mahal ko at mahal ako. Mabasa man ito o hinde. You know I love you, yun na yun.J A lot like love (crush kita ashton!!!!), and Say That You Love Me (hindi ko crush si Mark Herras kahet cute sha, kay Bes na yun! Crush ko si Jennylyn, hehe, idol kita mare!), coming very soon. And better blogs too.
Mag-propose ka na kasi kay *B* para di mo na ako dine-date. Hehehe. FYI: steak is one of my favorite foods, followed by pizza, pasta, potatoes, ice cream, chicken. Yum yum. 